If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Okay, I’m still confused…
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred