Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..