Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
choose your fighter
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup