Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Can’t stop laughing