Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.