I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Breaking news:
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“What?”
– Jude
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.