pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
LMAO.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.