Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.