Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
You Might Also Like
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure