Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]