It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Hotels are back
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?