detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.