I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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Hmm, not sure about this change
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.