At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
based al yankovic
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants