her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
You Might Also Like
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler