*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
The cashier just checked me out.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius