If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
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A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Denise please return my vape pen
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.