You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
me after drinking all the wine:
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.