People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.