I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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