I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one