Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.