Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Okay, I’m still confused…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.