Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.