Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Seems kinda suspicious
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.