Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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*power walks to the refrigerator*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.