If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Venn
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I support this random dude and all his protests