Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.