Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child