My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Become ungovernable.