Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you