I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry