If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk