At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.