Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
finally found a reasonable question
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain