Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Body by sandwich.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters