I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Danger is very dangerous
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Meow
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
This guy gets it.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.