When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.