JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
You Might Also Like
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.