I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Sing it!
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.