They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
You Might Also Like
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The pasta is now
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.