My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.