I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.