Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
2022: I can fix it
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying