Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it