Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes