Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*