Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
wtf management?!
Anyone want a chair?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them