*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.