We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
fr
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Guys, I found it.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.